Don’t lose the light.

I was looking at the calendar and noting down which Saturdays I work and realised how soon my work term is ending. One month passes so quickly. It didn’t feel like time in school passed this quickly before. I suddenly have mixed feelings hah. But it’s funny because I got quite close to those I work with. They are such great funny people (who like to make fun of me, sigh). Oh well.

My mom was ranting to me this morning about her first customer ruining her day yesterday. It’s interesting because I seem to realise that it’s a common behavior within those who are rich. And how being rich seem to equate to power. Where these people then don’t seem to care if they are disrespectful and don’t watch their words. I’ve had my fair share of seeing how such people behave after I’ve started working too. I don’t know how to start about how I feel about such. As I always choose to think, even those who are financially stable in their own ways, or rich, (I know there’s a fine line between the two), have their own problems. But when it comes to humility, it seems, childish.

What I’m saying is very general. I don’t mean much but I’m just entertaining a thought. How does one learn or teach humility? How come it’s as if sometimes, people need to look down on others just so they feel all damn good about themselves. Why must there always be a comparison? Is it necessary? Yet without any, there’s no standards to go by.

I felt so unfair for what my mom went through that day. Or anyone else who had similar experiences like she did. Also, previously, I had to handle a call once and the man on the other line just refused to take my word for it when I said he called the wrong number as if I was merely a kid trying to ‘trick’ him. Then when my director spoke on the line, he hung up right away. What was that supposed to mean?

I feel quite excited (actually I don’t know if I’m really, but anyway) to study or read my brother’s notes once he’s done with his paper tomorrow. It feels good to be learning something new. My brain has been too idly dead.

On the side note, I wanted to leave this here.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mummy!
I’m sorry I give you so little credit for the things you do for me.
But I love you always and I’m forever thankful for you. :’)

 

The real Sunday

Today was good food day, and actually the day was just lovely.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what my grandma and brother said. About the upcoming interview. About what’s going to be ahead. About how different things will start to happen.

For now, every week is pretty much routine. Weekdays work work work and 2 days out for dinner. Weekends are spent out mostly with alternate Saturdays of work, occasional Sundays to Grandma’s place. The thought of how I’ll be going into Uni is actually quite frightening. Not in the I’m really scared sense but more of the time passed so fast and this is it sense. I need to learn that there’s really nothing to be afraid of.

I need to help myself more. I need to be more aware, alert, reactive. I need to keep learning. I need to learn fast.

 

Do I ever make sense

How technology makes us lazy?
I just updated my phone to the latest ios 5 this morning and my phone is still restoring.
Thank God I didn’t lose my data or anything at all unlike many. Some lost contacts, apps, everything.
If I did I might go crazy, hah.

But I was just looking through my settings anyway.
Now there’s this new feature about shortcuts.
Where you can register a shortcut, and when typed, the phone types your intended phrase for you.
For example if I store
Phrase: I don’t know
Shortcut: idk,
When I type idk, they would spell ‘I don’t know’ for me.
Am I the only one who think it’s ridiculous and redundant?
It’s not that I’m against it, but really, is this happening?
Many of us appreciate the convenience of technology.
But should there be a limit?

And the Siri function which I wouldn’t have because I’m not using iPhone 4S, I don’t know why but I find it scary.
Isn’t technology becoming so human?
The thought of robotic humans, which aren’t humans in the first place, makes life seem just too frightening.
It’s like making the value of life a lot cheaper.

Sigh okay just, thoughts.

 

Abrupt

Something brought me here. I’m not sure what.
I’m feeling. Numb. A little.
I know the things that I’m supposed to be focused on.
I know some other things I shouldn’t bother with.
But sometimes things just get so difficult.
Balance. Dilemmas. Life.
Does life really have to be like that?

Today my body’s not-there because of the late night yesterday.
Was too anxious about today, which I guess I can say now that how I felt last night was unnecessary.
But yesterday, there just was really so much dread.
I don’t know how to let anyone understand that.
I just hope I’m not getting too incoherent.
I just downed coffee though and am ready to get on with studying for today.

Sigh.
This all ends in two months.
Two. Freaking. Months.
I don’t know how I’m going to last through, but I know I have to.
Alright, maybe I should just get to studying and stop letting my mind wander.

Just wanted to have this here too (Refer below)
I find it sad that I can’t appreciate some of Coldplay’s originals/ original covers.
I really liked this cover of Fix You.

Alright, work.

 

Bringing myself nowhere.

I just wish time would stop.
Not as in standstill.
But more like, leave things as it is today.
And let time replay on status quo.
Does that make any sense?

It’s like choosing for things to remain as it is.
Where people don’t grow old but people heal.
Where people will still struggle but things will get better.
And where nobody. Nobody will leave.
And just let the day run over and over again while we don’t do the same things of course.
We get to do whatever we’d like, at this existing state.

Ah, I re-read this over and over again and see no sense in it.
Of course, it’s not possible.

I just, happened to have that thought.

 

Subtle

I’m staying home today because I miss home.

The week’s coming to an end soon enough.
Can’t believe how the prelims will be at full force after Sunday.
But I’ll just have to do what I have to do.
Study. Study. Study. And keep pushing limits.

Worrying about a lot of things. About people dear to me. About school. About studies.
But worrying solves nothing.

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

I really feel so deprived of leisure.
I’ve never spent holidays like that before. Not that I remember.
And this is the first ‘holiday’ I didn’t paint my nails because I’m afraid of getting into holiday mood and I’m finished.

On the lighter note, while having breakfast with my parents earlier, I was just thinking about how I’d like to spend time after As.
What my brother told me long ago still rings in my head though, “Don’t think so far.”
But I was just thinking about how I think I’d like to cook dinner for my family. Hehe.
Sounds so appealing I wish I could just start now.
Have a lot of other things in my head too ah, but just need to concentrate on my studies now.

I’ll get through all this well.
Just have to.

 

Then they all look for someone better.

Sucks that things didn’t go as planned yesterday.
There’s been a lot of noise in my head too, I don’t know.
Then the calls I can’t help.
I probably need a scream fest.
I’m confused to some extent.
And I wish I could scream my worries/thoughts away.

School’s been school.
Tiring. Exhausting. Scary. Busy.
Hives stayed on till last night where I finally applied calamine lotion.
Does anyone know it it’s the lotion you apply if you get chicken pox?
I remember the smell of it, and to be honest, heheh, I liked the smell of the thing we had to apply onto chicken pox when we was younger.

Went to school despite the slight fever and the persistent hives the other day mostly because there was a performance.
I was contemplating whether or not to stay in school after that.
But convinced myself that since there was make-up tutorial for econs and 5 periods of chem, of course I should stay.
And I lasted the entire day.
In fact, I even played volleyball because I couldn’t resist.
But I did feel better as the day went on, just that I felt weaker than before.

Appetite’s been on and off for me too.
I don’t know what’s up.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I wish I could say I don’t know for everything and get away with that.

 

The intriguing dreams

[Edited - 'Continue reading']

There is this one thing that bothers me.

Are we awake when we’re having our dreams?
(Though the answer may seem obvious because we dream when we’re sleeping.)
So maybe I meant, are our minds awake and rational in our dreams?

Some days, the dreams get really bad.
I believe everyone gets them.
Some more often, some not so often.
The scary dreams, suffocating ones, the ones you’re trying so hard to stop something bad from happening be it running away or what not.
I’m pretty glad that I don’t have repeated dreams anymore.
But the ones of trouble still happen- Nightmares.

The thing is, when it gets so bad and I just feel like I can’t get away no matter how hard I try, I actually stop.
Yes, when I’m all scared and panicking, I actually stop.
It has happened a few times and I remember telling myself, “This is a dream. Wake up. Come on, it’s a dream, WAKE UP!”
Then I’ll open my eyes and wake up in relief.

So am I awake in my dreams?
Because that freaks me out to some extent.

 

Love those smiles that captivate hearts

Just now, I was with my parents at this bike store, fixing the faulty parts of our bike.
The guy was really knowledgeable about bikes, it was quite admirable and very interesting.
Yes, but that’s besides the point.

This young boy then came to get his soccer ball pumped.
He was maybe say, Primary 3-4ish.
Since the guy was busy working on our bike, his mother helped the boy instead.
And after the ball was all nicely pumped in just a few seconds, everyone should see the smile on the boy’s face.
It was just so, woah.

Then it got me thinking.
How is he that happy just after having his soccer ball pumped.
It feels like I miss that kind of feeling, you know?
I miss the times when I was young, and it just felt like I had everything.
I didn’t.
But at that time, it somehow didn’t matter.

 

More than one reason behind the sigh

Everything was driving me nuts today, although something special did happen.
BUT STILL, EVERYTHING IS STILL DRIVING ME NUTS.

Sigh.

Wasted so much time in the afternoon.
So much disappointment.
A whole lot of helplessness.
But they call this life, don’t they?

I hope I’m still keeping sane.

I can’t wait for PW and Chinese to be over.

Some say they rather do promos then do pw.
That didn’t really surprise me but I felt that both are as bad.
But actually I just wanted to use that as an example.
Guess we humans are always like that, it’s like an inevitable behaviour for some, or maybe many of us.
We feel that we rather go through something else then what we are currently going through.
But where is the basis of comparison?
Wouldn’t you be saying the same thing when you are eventually faced with A levels or something and anything major and important?

I was thinking about that on my way home today.
And it just made me feel really silly.
Why do we do that?
Are we trying to make ourselves feel worse?

As said, it’s all in the mind.

Learn to help yourself.

I like that. ^
That’s what kept me going during the Final Examinations period.

Disclaimer:
I think I ranted quite a bit, I’m not sure if I made sense.
Pardon me if I didn’t.
I don’t mean any offence either way as well.

 

Will I be a fool for still being that way?

Do dogs understand each other when they bark?

The thought suddenly came to me while I was having dinner.
Don’t you wonder?

It is when you’ve spent enough time with your dog that this mutual understanding starts to develop between you and your dog.
By then it’d probably be easy to decipher roughly what your dog wants when he or she is barking.
(I kinda refuse to use ‘it’.)
In anycase, then when we talk to our dogs, do you think they really know how we are feeling?

I was just. Yup, wondering.

The days have been good where there isn’t school work involved.
But as soon as ‘soon’, they’ll start bombarding my life.
Then the whole cycle repeats.
And I just don’t like it.

 

Could I hear you again

What do you feel about the following quote,

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.“

 

There is school tomorrow.

If I’m not doing what I should be doing,
What am I going to do?

Now if I’m doing something I should never be doing,
What am I going to do?

I want J-freeze Matcha Soy (Milk) nowwwwww. ):