Abrupt

Something brought me here. I’m not sure what.
I’m feeling. Numb. A little.
I know the things that I’m supposed to be focused on.
I know some other things I shouldn’t bother with.
But sometimes things just get so difficult.
Balance. Dilemmas. Life.
Does life really have to be like that?

Today my body’s not-there because of the late night yesterday.
Was too anxious about today, which I guess I can say now that how I felt last night was unnecessary.
But yesterday, there just was really so much dread.
I don’t know how to let anyone understand that.
I just hope I’m not getting too incoherent.
I just downed coffee though and am ready to get on with studying for today.

Sigh.
This all ends in two months.
Two. Freaking. Months.
I don’t know how I’m going to last through, but I know I have to.
Alright, maybe I should just get to studying and stop letting my mind wander.

Just wanted to have this here too (Refer below)
I find it sad that I can’t appreciate some of Coldplay’s originals/ original covers.
I really liked this cover of Fix You.

Alright, work.

 

With little to say.

Tomorrow’s the last day of the prelims and well, I guess it started well but isn’t ending very well.
I am taking it easy today because I just feel so.. tired.
Just partially tired of doing questions.
Mental exhaustion is still tolerable.

The days are eventually getting better.
Better compared to all the anxiety I had the previous week and I feel like I’m putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself. (I still am.)
Happens because I overthink certain things.
And well, more than half the time, I don’t feel like I’m doing good enough.
I don’t want to be a disappointment to anyone, especially myself.

And I guess even when times are tough, there comes a point where things just can’t get any worse.
That’s when things will eventually start to get better.
Hopefully it stays neutral at the very least for most of the times for now.
I can’t handle extremes very well.

 

I hope nothing changes.

Is that impossible?

The past few days have been too lovely.
Thursday was an especially beautiful day.
And then I ask again, “Am I too blessed?”

The wait was over on Wednesday, and I can’t be anymore glad, I was all smiles by Wednesday night.
I was so excited of the days I had difficulty going back to sleep when I woke up halfway.
(Haha, oh gosh I feel so silly.)

Hello, thank god for Chinghwee. :)

Of course, a lot more studying goes on. And somehow tonight, I feel so sick of thinking about my studies.
Organic inorganic physical chem, integration vectors complex numbers, macro issues policies market failure, forces superposition quantum physics..
Helppppppp.

I wish, I could go a day without thinking about my studies at all.
Just. One. Day.
Maybe I should sleep longer.
(Argh, And I need to stop thinking of running away because of this sigh.)

(Didn’t mean for this post to end this way either.)

 

Those few minutes are good enough to keep me going.

Spent the past 3 days at serene, studying.
I don’t even know if I can be considered to be productive.
There are days that I go home and feel like I’ve done so little.
But at least I put myself in an environment that ‘forces’ me to work.
If not I’ll probably be wasting more time at home.
And since I’ve been going to serene to study, I haven’t been able to do anything at home even if I decide to go back early.
Don’t know why like that ah.

Today, I met Ms Grace!
Mmmm, it was a pleasant shock but she’s still the Ms Grace I remember.
It is amusing since she saw me there when I frequented serene during the secondary 4 year.
Then this time, I’m frequenting serene because of As and I met her again.
She’s so lovely, she told the person she was talking on the phone with that she’ll call again later so that she could come speak to me. Hee.

I’m not sure of what I’ll be doing tomorrow.
I don’t want to be at serene for 4 days in a rowwwww.
Everybody there probably know my face already. x.x

 

This familiar emptiness

So the Saturday I dreaded this week has come, and will soon be gone.
And the wait starts.

I remember how I was flustered yesterday.
Pressured. Confused. At a loss. Conflicted.
Afraid of judgements. But I think I’ll handle it.

Two significant people saved me. And I am really grateful. :”)
I wish to say more to this actually, but something is stopping me.
Myself.

The only thing about studying at macs is coming home smelling of macs.
And because I’m not fond of fast food anymore, I’ve only eaten a meal there on the first day I went back to studying at serene.
After which, the other study days I survive on a drink and some biscuits.
By the evening, the shivering begins.
I feel really uncomfortable with the shivering because there is no other way I can keep warm when I already have my jacket on.
I take comfort in the warmth I’m provided on my toilet trips.
It’s much warmer in the restroom and basically outside macs than in macs, heh.
Thing is, even when I’m having the jacket on and am at the bus stop when it’s time to get home, I still shiver.
Hmmmmmm.
Plusss, today, I was actually cold while studying outdoors in the sunny early afternoon for a start. Weird weird. I just hope it doesn’t mean I’m falling sick or I will fall sick soon.

 

Losing track of days.

I guess long days of study ain’t good either.
Well I have to admit, I can’t complete much in a standard amount of time.
That may be because I’ve got a lot of figuring out to do.
But I’m glad I’m still trying.
Just that maybe this isn’t good to begin with.

I feel bad that I could have put Amanda in an awkward position yesterday when my parents insisted she come have dinner with us.
Haha, that’s because if I’m in her dad’s car, I’d insist that I don’t want and her father would say okay okay after awhile. Heh.

Came home afterwards with a headache so bad I wanted to bang my head somewhere or something.
Maybe even rip my head off. (But the visualisation is just too disgusting.)
At least I managed to get some sleep.
And I guess I’m feeling better.

Good day ahead yes? :)

 

Sometimes you just need to sleep and get over it.

Hi, I feel blah-ish.
Three quarter way into the study week (I refuse to call it a holiday), I kinda gave up already.
There was too much to cover, and I lost too much time.
I can’t really be bothered anymore.
It’s quite funny huh. I was actually quite motivated to do well for BT.
But all those feelings just went away.

I have never been this unprepared for a series of tests.
I probably can walk into the exam venue knowing one-eighth of the content or less.
And I just have to smoke my way through somehow.
This might be a demoralising 2 days.
After which I’ll be worrying about being, pushed down.

Hmmm.
At this rate I’m treating myself, I’m asking for it.

 

What made you think otherwise

I don’t know but I just had to say stuff.
I need to get them out of me so maybe I can ignore how I feel and work around it.

The reason I’m not looking to 2011, is because I’m scared.
I’m scared shitless.

I’ve seen people who generally follow a certain same trend.
Where, when you barely just scrape through the first year, you’ll probably screw up your next year.
Who says that I can be an exception?
I don’t think so.
I have really little will to study.
And, it’s not like I don’t like learning. But the learning of those core subjects are just really, (fill in the blank).

Always stuck at square 1, hah.
Good job.

 

Protected: What if one day, I go insane? (Edit: I think it’s best to have this hidden)

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Wreck

Usually my concentration, productivity and self discipline are barely there but I still manage alittle work.
Today was just terrible.
Nothing’s done and it’s just about reaching 11. Probably past 11 by the time I get this published.
Aye.

I think I’m starting to have trouble sleeping too. Hah.

Felt like I barely slept last night.
I was tossing and turning at 0100.
Wide awake at 0500 thinking I was late for school already.
In between I was barely sleeping.
Relaxing my thinking brows(I like this expression somehow) didn’t work. Hehheh.
Felt like I was stoning through the hours and just really trying to get myself out of myself for some sleep but it wasn’t working.

Alright, I’m not coherent and full of nonsense. (As always :/)
And I’m still awake because I just got a cup of cofffffeeeee.
Hmm.

Do you know the feeling of like,
“There’s so little time left because I wasted too much time today. So I might as well waste all of it because even that bit of time left would not be productive. So should I, or should I not do my work with the remaining time?”
Yeah I had coffee but I doubt I can last tonight.
Hmmm.

Jiayou, acl.

 

It’s not that simple.

I know I’m supposed to be studying.
Doing effective studying in fact.
But I keep thinking of going out.
However after going out I’ll feel guilty for going out.
But even if I stay at home, nothing effective happens.
I’m just running away from the guilt.
The thing is, that guilt really haunts me.

Let’s just say I’m still doing something ‘productive’ which is sending my aunt the photos I took for her while she was here.

Oh and I can’t believe it’s YOG already.
Was surprised that it was today, when I was told yesterday.
Haven’t been keeping track of dates.
But eh, I care okay.
It’ll be so cool.

 

Anomalous

Am I posting sub-consciously?
Because it really slipped my mind that I had the previous post.
Isn’t that scary.
I’m forgetting what I post about. :(

In anycase, there isn’t much to say these days.
It’s just school. And more school.
Didn’t stay to watch any matches today.
Would have gone for boys soccer but it’s too far away and I have lots of work.
Wouldn’t have time the next two days.

Anyway, since life gets boring.
I’ll tell you weird things about myself.

Last time, I couldn’t spell permanent.
I never got where the ‘E’s and ‘A’s should be.
How I remember?
I realised they alternate.
So as long as I can spell ‘Per’, the rest come along fine.
Per-ma-nent.

Yup, that’s all for todayyyy. B)

 

Why exist

The weather’s been really bad.
By that I mean it’s awfully warm.

I can’t focus at home either.
Neither can I, out of home.

Even when I try, my concepts are no where here, nor there.

Sigh.

What’s wrong with me.