I’m just afraid most of the times I’m not grounded to reality.

(I read through the post and my sentences don’t seem to fit right rawr but I don’t feel like editing the entire thing so yeah. Ahhh.)

It’s been a well, partially alright day I guess.
I just wished today was still Friday.

Came home and my parents have added blinds to my windows!
Hopefully this means more open-curtain days since the sun wouldn’t be too glaring and my room wouldn’t be too bright.
I think I blogged about my curtains before.
I don’t remember what I’ve said previously but I must have mentioned that my curtains are never open.
At the moment, I don’t know if I like opening the curtains.
But I think I’ll try to leave them open more often now.
Don’t want to waste the effort my parents put into fixing the blinds meticulously.

Here’s a peek hehe.

And then there was that day where the girls went out to celebrate double birthdays.
Well there were those ‘how-how-how’ moments but it all went well I’d say.
We’ve never gone out together like that before.
It’s good to see everyone together again.
Reminds me a lot of last year. :’)

Oh yes AND THEN THE CALL.
But I’m not going to talk about it here.
I will always remember Jiahui giving me The-Look, hahaha.

Thennnn, today was Saints Fest + Open house.
School was awfully crowded it was difficult to walk.
Don’t like it when people don’t know how to move to let people walk.
But I guess sometimes we’re just unaware.

Spent the time mostly with Sharlyn and Yuanyee.
Gotta really thank Yuanyee for running out with the balloon.
I thought they would just let me say no when I started making my way across the bridge and back to the mrt.

Nothing in school really appealed to me though.
And haunted house sounded like fun but well, acl has no guts hahaha.
I just wanted to watch people get scared but the windows had to be covered.

It’s funny how the pictures we take all feel awkward.
I honestly don’t know why.
Especially the first polaroid I took with Sharlyn.
Hahaha, will never forget how silly we looked standing the same way.

I hope the rest of today turns out good.
Currently I’m a bit ~-ish.
Hmmmmm.

 

“But we will make it work.”

I haven’t been here all week.
Haven’t touched the computer for quite a while now.
I guess I’m pretty glad I don’t feel the need to use my computer.
At least I’ve still got my phone, and I guess that’s enough distraction at times already.

The week has been, extraordinary in some ways, yet just normal and boring in other ways.
School is as usual. Exhausting. Stressful.
There are the fun times, the hilarious times, but other things are pretty much the same.
Teachers work teachers work results tests lectures tutorials assignments deadlines prelims.
We are constantly reminded of how many days we are left with.
It’s really not much.
I’d say “I can’t wait for all these to be over”, and soon enough, it really will be.
How would I feel then?

But all these have still been bearable thus far.
Life as it is.

And I’m really missing a few people. :(

 

Then they all look for someone better.

Sucks that things didn’t go as planned yesterday.
There’s been a lot of noise in my head too, I don’t know.
Then the calls I can’t help.
I probably need a scream fest.
I’m confused to some extent.
And I wish I could scream my worries/thoughts away.

School’s been school.
Tiring. Exhausting. Scary. Busy.
Hives stayed on till last night where I finally applied calamine lotion.
Does anyone know it it’s the lotion you apply if you get chicken pox?
I remember the smell of it, and to be honest, heheh, I liked the smell of the thing we had to apply onto chicken pox when we was younger.

Went to school despite the slight fever and the persistent hives the other day mostly because there was a performance.
I was contemplating whether or not to stay in school after that.
But convinced myself that since there was make-up tutorial for econs and 5 periods of chem, of course I should stay.
And I lasted the entire day.
In fact, I even played volleyball because I couldn’t resist.
But I did feel better as the day went on, just that I felt weaker than before.

Appetite’s been on and off for me too.
I don’t know what’s up.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I wish I could say I don’t know for everything and get away with that.

 

Six day school weeks

I haven’t been on my own laptop for a while now, I especially asked for it today.
It feels different though.
Everything got laggier and its really quite annoying.
I’ve kinda hanged twice already.

Been really tired recently.
Today is the latest I’ve stayed up so far and it’s only 00:21.
On other nights, I’d sleep too early and wake up at midnight to get a bath before going back to sleep.

It’s nice though that my dad sends me to school on the days of morning practices.
When I have to reach school by 7, I actually have to wake at 0530 to catch the early train to school.
I still wake up at the same time when my dad sends me to school as whether he will or not is unpredictable.
Today, I reached school at record time. I could have just been the first student in school for the past two days.
I was in school by 0615 today, or a little before that.
I’m not complaining about reaching early since I can just rest in the music caf and would not be worrying about missing the train stop.
It is just about a 10 minutes drive to school without any traffic jam.
Yet, if I’m taking the train, I have to leave my house one hour before meeting time.

Tomorrow’s going to start early and end late.
Hope I’ll survive.

I tend to take the weekend to rest though I’m only left with half the weekend each week.
That’s just why it’s so hard to get things done.
Haven’t been out, out, for some time now.
Haven’t visited Grandma for some time now.

I need to call it a night.
(I don’t want my brother to take my computer away again but I just know he will. :( )

Ps; It’s nice to drive through orchard in the wee hours of the morning – Pretty and empty.

 

Crawling out of this phase.

It’s been an eventful week.
First was service learning, then cross country and today, results day!

I felt that service learning was meaningful, though I pretty much wished we could have done more.
It’s also the day you realise how awesome Mr P is and I think s24 is really too blessed to have him as our CT. :B

Had class breakfast before heading to Pipit Road to execute our My Big Sweep Project.
We were there to clean houses for people who need it.
It was disheartening knowing that the granny didn’t really want all of us to help her clean up.
We weren’t allowed to use water to clean her floor nor were we allowed to move her items, as she insisted.
We could only do a minimum and there was so much more to be done!

It was my first experience in a 1 room flat, with bed bugs, faced with not-so-pleasant conditions.
Glad we did what we could still.
I vividly remember the time we went a little crazy and started singing songs while cleaning the toilet.
It was a fun experience, we just kept spamming Cif in the toilet (toilet warriors, we are!) and had cif spurted on our faces.
I accidentally knocked the bottle into the toilet bowl too hee.

Had class lunch after too.
Couldn’t believe all that we went through but it was worthwhile and such a valuable experience.
It was a good day!
I woke up the next day with a butt ache though I don’t know why!

Cross country was just amusing, heehee.
First aiders, alright! ;)

Results day was overwhelming.
Sitting at the back of the hall and watching my seniors await their results was just results day in smss all over again.
Just that it’s more crucial now because the A level cert is determining our future.
Sigh, thinking that it will be what I’m going through next year is really.. I don’t feel ready.
Happy for my seniors who have done well, knew they could do it! It’s just so crazy when you see them with 90 rank-points asidoahweojfns, Howww did they!
It was scary, nerve wracking, but yet inspiring.
Hard work perseverance determination goals balance, come on everyone let’s go!

We got back our Chinese results too.
Started feeling anxious towards the end and I really didn’t know what to expect.
I’m satisfied though and I’m really happy for my class!
So thankful for laoshi, really, really, really.
She’s the besttttt!
“1, 2, 3, XIE XIE LAO SHI!”
I think laoshi was touched. :)

All right, my eyes are so dry they are screaming for oxygen.
TGIF! I hope you had a good week! :)

 

Once a fool, always a fool.

It’s past midweek, and I don’t feel so.
My weeks are dragged longer now that I have practices on Saturdays.
It doesn’t make me feel better knowing that from the Saturday after this coming Saturday, practices are full-day.

I’ve been sleeping with my hair wet (again) for the past three nights and that really, still, and always sucks.
Sigh.

Went to school with dread knowing we had to do charades on stage.
But felt better when more people were dragged into it hahaha.
And I guess it wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be.
They were awesome.

Had 2.4 time trial today too.
I took from Monday till before PE just now to prepare myself mentally.
It’ll be quite cool if I had a machine to check my brain activity while I was running, so many things were running through my head.
I wanted to really push myself so I psycho-ed myself.
Tuned out of the fear of others as they mentioned it.
Tried to visualise myself running well.
Told myself that it doesn’t matter if I die after the run I just have to run run run run run run.
The other times I ran, I tend to panic inside whenever my breathing became more rapid.
I’m always afraid of dropping and that limits me.
It’s because I have fainted before, I’ve always taken long to cool down from my run and if I haven’t I get those dizzy spells that make me feel like I’ll faint.
And that time I fainted, I was alone. I was afraid.

I feel proud of myself for how I ran today.
All that was in my head was,”For all the things I love, I have to run. I must never stop and not slow down. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.”
I hope I can continue like that.

Ended with service learning briefing at paya lebar.

Long days. Never-ending homework. Tired eyes. Aching body. Noise in the head. Worries. Thoughts. Hopes. Wishes. Doubts.
Hi everyone, you aren’t alone and will never be.
Keep going keep goinggggg!

 

Can’t ask for more

It was half day today and cny celebrations in school were quite blah but yet quite okay at the same time.
Urrrrrgh, I really wish the class was as how it started. I want everyone back! :(

Had homeroom decorations and ended with the cny concert.
It’s so funny how we started out with no plan for our homeroom.
We only planned to spam angbaos so Eunice told us to bring lots of angbaos.
But guess what! We ended up one of the winning classes!
Heehee, this was our board design:

Had two other smaller boards but the pictures I took really cannot-make-it.
Decorating the class was pretty fun, I think the classs is awesomez when everyone works together.
There also this sense of humour we share and I like it that way! :B
I still laugh at myself when I remember the “There is love in this rabbit year!”, hahahaha.
Plus our ct is superb too!

It’ll be a long year ahead (somewhat) and I think our class will pull through because we have one another!
Heh heh.

 

Be the wonderer

It’s weird how the cc had a weird smell when we re-entered it for economics lecture.
We there there 2 hours ago, then the j1s were there for subject talk etc.
It couldn’t be that the smell was always there because I think someone would have definitely pointed it out.
The smell was bad.

It could actually mean that there are more guys because the choir guys are the one that stink the music room too, hah.

It’s uncomfortable having the school all crowded again.
I never liked a crowded cafeteria.

Well I certainly hope those that came will enjoy their stay.
First year was a real struggle for me.
I’m starting to only just get the hang of it.

 

Running on empty

It’s been another week of school.
I didn’t even get to spend more than 1 hour on the computer.
I think I didn’t even reach an hour this week.
School is hectic.
It’s so crazy, I’m tired the whole time.
Towards the end of the week, it feel like saying I’d be exhausted would be an understatement.
Papers were bad horrible terrible whatever you can think of.
Makes me feel pathetic. Grrrrr.

Plusss, hives appeared on my arms today while I was on my way to school.
I was getting scared because I don’t like that tingling pain on my skin knowing that if I scratch a swollen bump might surface.
But I’m glad when I stopped myself from scratching, it eventually went down again.
Probably shows my immune system is working!

Whole body’s aching too due to the running yesterday. :(

I can’t wait to get plenty of sleep tonight.
Yes I don’t like to spend too much time on sleep but I need it.
I feel like a walking zombie.

Weekends are busy busy busy too.
And it’ll only get worse.

 

The need for closure.

School has started.
It has only been a week and guess what, feels like I need another holiday already.
Maybe I’m exaggerating a little but you know what I mean.

Next week is just about a whole week of papers and I’m really worried.
I keep having this feeling that if I fail everything, I’m a goner.
Then I’m doomed.

To me, school did start quite alright.
Though the stress came straight from the first day of school and I know it’ll only worsen, the first day wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be.
The class just feels empty without Jia, Xiaowei and Clarice around.
I miss Jia leaving food on my notes so that I’ll eat them and Xiaowei and her sour plums. Then there’s Clarice who’s always there to say “You better eat!”
Or the times we just talk talk talk talk and go for break together and buy food together and eat together and talk talk talk again.
When I see them around school, it’s really like “:D”.

Now I really hope next week will be alright.
Jiayou, everyone!

 

I just wanted you to know.

There was a special spark to today.
It just felt different.

It’s the last day of school, finally.
And thank god it’s friday!
I’ve KO-ed the whole week, it feels horrible.
Though the holidays can’t be true holidays for me, I hope I’ll be disciplined enough to do what I need to do.

There’s no denying that some classmates won’t be in the same class as us next year already.
And it’s just so, sad.
We always wanted to graduate together.
And I’m going to miss them so much.
The times we become silly and lame.
The times we just laugh at ourselves or anything.
These bittersweet times were priceless.

Ahhh.
I’m relieved that school term has finally ended this year.
It was such a struggle.
But I just wished time would stop now.
And it obviously can’t.

I don’t feel ready for all that’s to come.

All in all, though bittersweet, the school term did end nicely.
I’m thankful for that.

 

Greatness is within.

These few days more or less on my own made me realise quite a few things.
I had the time to just Stop.

The time spent with old friends that day, made me see how they could enjoy school.
They talk about school with a smile.
They’ve got so much to talk about school.
What about me?

It’s time to be honest with myself.
I know I don’t like school.
I hate school.
But to some, when they get to know that, they think nothing of it.
Yes, initially, I thought nothing of it.
However as time went on, it became clearer and clearer to me.
I’m not fit for a college.
Isn’t it too late for this?
Sounds pathetic doesn’t it?
Some think I had a personal reason for being where I am today.
But I don’t.
I don’t have a reason for being where I am.
I just had no where to go.
No where to go, then.

After all these have been said, it does sound quite, discouraging.
But I’m going to fight against myself.
I’ll try.
And I’ll end this journey well.
I hope to prove myself wrong.

All these have to begin with a will.
Will I be up to it?

Just one more thing.
I love my family. I love my friends.
Because it’s quite overwhelming but I know, that I can never be here without them.

 

Would you rather?

I don’t like hearing the howling of the wind through the thin gaps of the windows that were not closed properly.
The wind’s really strong, something on the levels above me dropped with a loud BOOM and I could feel the floor vibrate.
It’s probably going to rain really heavily soon.
Then it’ll be so awful to get out of bed early in the morning when the weather is perfect for sleeping in.

It’s 0156 now and I just bathed.
Sucks because I was too tired the moment I came home, I really couldn’t get anything done.
No matter where I sat, all that was in my head was ‘sleep’.
So I eventually had a 4 hour nap.
Disastrous.
It shouldn’t even be called a nap.

Brother called from Australia when I was in school today.
I was too caught up with pw to ask if he was okay. :(