Hello, please be okay.

Feeling all wonky today even though I’ve been up for a while already.
Got a heavy head, for some reason which gives the going-to-have-fever feeling.

Yesterday was chalet day!
Well, I was glad to have the company of the three yesterday.
And I like the picture we took,

Wanted to take more pictures that day because I feel that things will be different when all the choristers meet again.
Don’t you think so too?
Everyone’s actually so focused on their studies already, it freaks me out horribly.
And I figured I get turned off from studying too.
And I’d give myself the stupidest excuses for not studying.
Time to really stop that, sigh.

What I really like from the chalet yesterday was the Changi Boardwalk!
Then there’s the jetty like thing.
(Actually I don’t know and am too lazy to check the definition of a jetty so I’m not sure if it’s a jetty but it should be, heh. :/)

We stayed there for quite a bit.
And the bad thing about the boardwalk would be the big red ants and wasps and weird insects.
I don’t like to walk under trees. Have I said this before?
Because I’m always afraid a caterpillar would drop on my head.
It happens!
And it has happened to my maid before and I was all grossed out and just i-don’t-know-how-to-type-the-expression rawr.

I actually feel that I can just sit there forever.
Glad no one was taking the seats while we were there.

And I remember being really really amused at the amount of crabs!
They were so tiny and were scrambling out and in their holes in the sand.
And they only had one pincer!
It was hmmm, ticklish, disturbing and yet adorable and intriguing.
I don’t know if that does justice to how we felt studying them mmm.

But that place felt so Labrador-ish, and made me miss

Miss the times we used to at least see each other once a week!
Or even at least like almost everyday in school! :’)

Chalet was quite.. hmmm.
Quite disappointing that not a lot of us attended.
The room we had brought comfort, oh, the aircon was good for that warm warm day, going back there was just ‘man, life’s good.’
Yup, and then I shall end off saying, the chalet very smelly uh! Hahaha.
Alright, I need to get on with today.

 

And then there’s more

 

I like this photo hehe.

 

Beautiful times.

Alright, I shall focus on my current task now, to post about my journey in Saints Chorale without any disruption.

My time with a choir ended on Wednesday, 4th May, our SYF day.
It’s not easy to conclude the I’d-like-to-say-2-year-journey-but-it-is-also-technically-a-1-year-journey.
2 years because I’ll be in choir while in Year 1 and Year 2.
1 year because there will be breaks and all that.

From the start, I found it difficult to adapt to the culture we had.
Because I used to be the strict, black face section leader from st. margs.
So much so that my juniors thought I was scary and wouldn’t have the slightest idea that I’m friendly outside of choir.
Then when I came into Saints Chorale, I just didn’t feel good enough.

Gradually, I grew to be part of the choir.
I got to know more people and worked with people.
Then everything seemed to flow.
The hunger to do well, to let our voices be known.

I started out as that awkward quiet junior who knew just about nothing about music.
I just knew how to sing.
Now I don’t feel as awkward, and I love the people there.

It’s in how we worked hard together that brings out a certain warmth.
How the J2s gelled together, and how the comm relied on each other for support and strength.

I remember how awful I felt when some left the syf team and yet I vividly remember Mr F telling me that I have no reason to feel bad. And that I cannot be accountable for every single little thing.
I still don’t know how I feel about it.

But through all the late nights, our efforts still did pull off.

The day before syf was a day that really let our hearts bring out how we really feel.
Where people said what they had to say.
People thanked one another.
People prayed.

I remember being home at 8 plus 9 and having my phone bombed with messages.
By 9:30PM, some were ready to sleep and had their lights switched off while I haven’t even had dinner!
But I had an early night still because I needed to be awake by early 4.
Going to school early and all prepared in my gown and make up, I was surprised by the number of people at the basement already.
I was the only one all ready to go though.
Then there was the rat incident! It was scary and shocking and I don’t know what else.
The rat ran one whole round before it got caught.
I will never forget how I said the rat had 6 packs because although it was carried by the tail, it reached all the way up to bite the fingers that held it.

Being at sota, my heart began to beat faster.
I could feel the adrenaline.
The warm up room felt so good to be in.
I remember being impressed when the side door of the stage opened and wind just blew at us as if welcoming us.
It was encouraging to me.
Our performance came and passed.
I made the best of it, I did all I could do and did it to my best.
I was uncertain though and I just didn’t want to repeat of history.
I didn’t want silver but it felt like silver-ish.
I didn’t dare to hope because I was too afraid of a disappointment.

When we got that Gold, I was satisfied.
After 25 years of silver, Saints Chorale managed to reach Gold.
It may not be the highest award, but I feel there was a lot of value addedness to be considered and we were good.
I was proud of every single one of them.
It wasn’t easy being the first choir of the day and having to sing at 0930.

I don’t know why I cried when we announced the results to the rest.
And everyone told me I cried terribly.

One thing that really touched me was seeing some guys tear.
I don’t laugh at guys who tear. I think it’s comforting to know that they do because it means that they care, and they have feelings, you know.
Some don’t appear to have feelings, yet upon hearing the results and thinking of the hard work we went through, teared because they thought we were really up to the mark already.

The day ended well.
And that wraps up my journey with the chorale.

I have had significant times spent with the choir.
Times that can’t be replaced by anything else.
Times like the meetings we’ve had, the epic moments that occur, the laughter we shared, the tears we wept, the hugs we gave, the feelings we shared.
I don’t regret joining the choir.
I’m glad I did.
And I’m grateful for everyone from the choir that has impacted me.

Ah, and I wished this didn’t end.
If only our A levels can be done as a cca.
I don’t know if that made sense.
Why should A levels be about science and arts subjects?

 

It hurts me more than it shows.

Sometimes I just wish to be here, but I feel that I have nothing to say.

Had a really long day yesterday.
I feel that the yesterday I had, will be one of the memorable days of the year.
After all it was the more special days which weren’t spent at a study table, in school, etc.

Choir’s exchange workshop was.. upsetting.
I was enjoying myself, just till lunchtime.
Then it seemed things had a little change.
Everything felt a little worst.

You know, I don’t mean to be defensive about the altos.
Yesterday, it was indeed true that altos went flat.
But I’d feel that, if you pass on this belief, the way you’re looking at the altos will then be biased.
It doesn’t mean that once we’re flat, we always are the problem in songs.

And it is true, some may not put in the same effort as others.
Therefore, the songs end up flat.
That’s another reason.

But you know, I just find it annoying when there is that biased view and you begin to think it altos altos altos.
Excuse me?

Had a short day out after, went to check things out with Sharlyn!

Hmm. I think I shouldn’t wear my contact lenses for long hours anymore.
My eyes can’t seem to take it.
They burn when I remove my contact lenses and my eyes stay stingy till the next day.
Probably have to start bringing my spectacles around rawr.

In anycase, can you imagine banking on something and realising that the shop has closed down?
I was quite aosidbfnaow.
Sigh. Would have been in a loss if I was on my own.
Maybe like squat down and want to die.
(Okay not that drastic, but you know.)

Now all’s that’s in my head really is syf syf syf syf syf syf syf.
We’re so near already, just one and a half weeks more.
Well, technically it should just be that we have one week left.
I wish I could go to school not for learning my subjects for now, but just for practices.

Hope everyone’s that falling ill will learn to help themselves and take care.

&FY, I HOPE YOU’RE MUCH MUCH BETTER ALREADY!

Alright, I need a productive day ahead.
Must, make it happen.

 

Now the chapter has really been closed.

I’m so glad that we had a short week.
But there’s too many things ahead of me.
So many things to do, I can’t handle everything all at once.
And even though there’s only just 1 more day to this weekend.
The teachers just spam all the assignments. :(

It feels like an eventful week despite it being short.
Firstly, I’m so happy for smss choir for their Gold.
It’s a legacy they’re leaving behind.
And I was touched when Ms Grace told me this while I texted her:
“Thank you Choon Ling & all past years’ alumni…y’all sowed the seeds &the choir is enjoying the fruits now. Tk u so much for everyone of u (alumni) :) by God’s grace, everyone of u did it :) Tks for praying too”

I think I’ve continuously mentioned how Ms Grace has such a great impact on my life.
But you know, she’s just so wonderful.
Mmmm. :)

Just came back from the cemetery some time ago.
I woke up with bad flu and two awfully red stingy eyes though.
It was so worrying because I can’t afford to fall sick when I’m so close to syf.
I’m quite excited for the exchange tomorrow.
And you know, just sometimes, I feel sick thinking about syf.
In the sense that I’d feel nauseous.
It’s like a battle that’s so scary, so competitive.

I just hope people could put in more effort.
Study their scores.
Remember what they’ve learnt.
That shouldn’t be a lot to ask for if you want to be part of the battle right?

Just a little more to go.
Can you just sacrifice for this short while more?

Sigh.

 

Six day school weeks

I haven’t been on my own laptop for a while now, I especially asked for it today.
It feels different though.
Everything got laggier and its really quite annoying.
I’ve kinda hanged twice already.

Been really tired recently.
Today is the latest I’ve stayed up so far and it’s only 00:21.
On other nights, I’d sleep too early and wake up at midnight to get a bath before going back to sleep.

It’s nice though that my dad sends me to school on the days of morning practices.
When I have to reach school by 7, I actually have to wake at 0530 to catch the early train to school.
I still wake up at the same time when my dad sends me to school as whether he will or not is unpredictable.
Today, I reached school at record time. I could have just been the first student in school for the past two days.
I was in school by 0615 today, or a little before that.
I’m not complaining about reaching early since I can just rest in the music caf and would not be worrying about missing the train stop.
It is just about a 10 minutes drive to school without any traffic jam.
Yet, if I’m taking the train, I have to leave my house one hour before meeting time.

Tomorrow’s going to start early and end late.
Hope I’ll survive.

I tend to take the weekend to rest though I’m only left with half the weekend each week.
That’s just why it’s so hard to get things done.
Haven’t been out, out, for some time now.
Haven’t visited Grandma for some time now.

I need to call it a night.
(I don’t want my brother to take my computer away again but I just know he will. :( )

Ps; It’s nice to drive through orchard in the wee hours of the morning – Pretty and empty.

 

Think. Control. Persevere.

Food ban has officially started yesterday.
Some say it’s good because it helps to lose weight, hahaha.
But really, it’s put into place to help us take care of our throat.

To me, it means that I can’t satisfy my froyo cravings, can’t have chilli for more than a month to go, so food will pretty much not taste the same for a while.
No iced drinks, no fizzy drinks, no fried food, no chocolate, no candy.
The list goes on and on and on.

I’m just sad that I can’t satisfy my froyo cravings and I can’t have cold drinks.
Auditions coming up too, ahhhh.

I never once thought of it this way but I see how it makes sense.
The discipline to refrain yourself from such foods, is the same discipline needed to study, to sing.
And they’ve made it really clear, that if such discipline can’t be adhered to, there’s no reason for you to be on stage for syf because, you don’t deserve it.

When I didn’t see it so seriously, I adhered to it.
To be honest, now that all seems so serious, I don’t feel like adhering to it.
But I know I have to.

Just less than 2 months, gotta hang in thereeee.

 

Apart

Back feeling better now.

It’s been an insane week.
2 BT papers down, 3 more to go after the March holidays.
Choir camp down too. Well it wasn’t exactly camp, it was just intensive practice.

I hope my brain’s still functioning alright.
Yesterday after Physics BT, I was already brain dead but we had extra Economics lesson. After which, there was music comm meeting where I got high because I was too tired. Then the clean-up of the basement. Then when camp really started I was terribly tired.
But I managed to push myself all the way till the last minute of practiceee.
Don’t know how I did that.
It was a KO the moment I got to my bed.
I managed to stay awake for one hour at home though 22:30 to 23:30.
Woke up wondering where my phone was and while frantically looking for it around my bed afraid that I might have kicked it off the bed, I banged my head against the wall. :’(
It was like my head was swinging and then BAMMMM!
Fell asleep for a little more after that, or maybe I was unconscious.
The pain was like hell, I thought I could have damaged something.
Cannot be right but yeah the pain.. gaaah.

Woke up bright and early to bathe and head for more intensive practice this morning.
My head felt so heavy I thought I would just collapse and roll on the floor.
It just doesn’t feel right.

Exchange today thought me a lot.
Throughout the intensive practice, I got to know more about my juniors too and I think they’re awesome.
Just that I tend to feel like a mother when I have to manage the altos.
I feel the need to take care of them so I have to always ensure they have gotten their food and they are eating and they are contented and allllll heh.

This is going to be quite funny but I fell asleep while typing out this post last night.
I wonder who shut down my computer for me.
I don’t seem to remember anything, oh gosh.

In anycase, I felt we got owned during the exchange, just partly.
We were not up to mark.
We could do so much better.
It’ll be such a pity if we can’t do what we do during rehearsals on stage because some have stage fright or some can’t work under pressure or some just can’t focus.
Sometimes I wish I could go up to them and just say ‘Hey, get over it’.
But I’m not justified to do so.
And it’s just not their fault sometimes but they need to help themselves and we probably need more performances.
I just wish they could find assurance within themselves and their peers and the conductor.
Whoever is off stage, should not matter.

Ah well, now we’ve really gotta work real hard for both syf and BTs.
I’m still tired and my head still feels funny.

Rawr.

 

Once a fool, always a fool.

It’s past midweek, and I don’t feel so.
My weeks are dragged longer now that I have practices on Saturdays.
It doesn’t make me feel better knowing that from the Saturday after this coming Saturday, practices are full-day.

I’ve been sleeping with my hair wet (again) for the past three nights and that really, still, and always sucks.
Sigh.

Went to school with dread knowing we had to do charades on stage.
But felt better when more people were dragged into it hahaha.
And I guess it wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be.
They were awesome.

Had 2.4 time trial today too.
I took from Monday till before PE just now to prepare myself mentally.
It’ll be quite cool if I had a machine to check my brain activity while I was running, so many things were running through my head.
I wanted to really push myself so I psycho-ed myself.
Tuned out of the fear of others as they mentioned it.
Tried to visualise myself running well.
Told myself that it doesn’t matter if I die after the run I just have to run run run run run run.
The other times I ran, I tend to panic inside whenever my breathing became more rapid.
I’m always afraid of dropping and that limits me.
It’s because I have fainted before, I’ve always taken long to cool down from my run and if I haven’t I get those dizzy spells that make me feel like I’ll faint.
And that time I fainted, I was alone. I was afraid.

I feel proud of myself for how I ran today.
All that was in my head was,”For all the things I love, I have to run. I must never stop and not slow down. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.”
I hope I can continue like that.

Ended with service learning briefing at paya lebar.

Long days. Never-ending homework. Tired eyes. Aching body. Noise in the head. Worries. Thoughts. Hopes. Wishes. Doubts.
Hi everyone, you aren’t alone and will never be.
Keep going keep goinggggg!

 

I might be a little hazy

It’s midweek!
It’s been a little crazy.
Just really, tiring, insane, yet there’s that bit of fun.

Cca sign up day went pretty well today, seeing the response from the juniors.
Sucks that gastric caught up with me though.

Anyway, I was the first at the music room today.
I wasn’t sure of what I should do.
No one was there.
It was just me, tables, chairs, the turquoise walls, and a few pianos.
I chose to sit at the piano.
Opened it in hope that I could play a tune.
Not that the simple tunes wouldn’t come to me, but I didn’t have a tune a little more complex than the really simple ones.
I was quite intimidated by the black and white keys staring at me too.
Sigh, I wish I could play the piano.
I want to learn rawr.
I shall, and will be able to play something next time.
Must must must must for self fulfillment. :B

Alright, I’m exhausted.

Happy Birthday to all!
(It’s ren ri!)

PS, I think my friends are awesome. Can’t be this strong without them. :D

 

Tegami

Letter, To 15 year old, you.

It’s a song for Open house, and I’m having lots of trouble learning it because though the harmony sounds really nice and the tune is catchy, but I just had problems.
Anddd, sometimes I wonder if I hold back my own learning.
As for now, I’d like to share the lyrics because I liked it.

Dear you who are reading this letter: I wonder where you are and what you’re doing.

15-year-old me has worries that I can’t talk to anyone else about.

If I write this letter to my future self, surely I will be able to honestly and openly express myself.

Whose words should I believe now, when I’m on the edge of losing, on the brink of tears, and on the verge of disappearing? When this heart that I only have one of is constantly being broken to pieces? When I’m living through these difficult years?

Dear 15-year-old you, thank you for you letter. I have some things that I’d like to say to you.

If you keep asking yourself “in which direction should I head?” the answer will come to you.

The rough seas of adolescence are harsh, but the ship of your dreams will continue to the riverbank of tomorrow.

And when you don’t want to lose, to cry, when you don’t want to disappear, believe in your own voice. And even the adult me has times when I get hurt, even has sleepless nights, but life is bittersweet.

There is meaning to the entirety of one’s life, so follow your dreams without unease; keep on believing.

Whose words should I believe now, when I’m on the edge of losing, on the brink of tears, and on the verge of disappearing? When you don’t want to lose, to cry, when you don’t want to disappear, believe in your own voice. And whatever your age, sorrow can’t always be avoided, but I now try to live my life showing my smiling face.

Dear you who are reading this letter,
I wish good things for you.

Credits: Drew Hamilton (Alpha Whiskey Hotel.org)

Hoped you guys liked the lyrics as much as I do.
Search for the song in Youtube if you’re free! B)

 

Have you drawn the line?

The last week of school has been passing really slowly.
For some reason, 2 days felt like it could have been almost a week already.
Maybe it was the 3 hour break we had yesterday.
Or the other 3 hour break I had today while waiting for practice to start.

Mr K wants a solo piece from everyone and a recital on the first week of january!
I’m excited, though I know quite a number of people don’t appear to favour the idea.
But I have a problem too-
How am I going to find a song!

In anycase, let the days continue to drag by.
I can bet everyone dreads waking up in the morning because we all know that it’s the holidays for our peers in other schools already.
It feels really horrible to wake at such early hours for school when you know that it just shouldn’t be like that now.
Of course that makes you feel worst about your current state but it’s true isn’t it!
Why can’t they just let us off already. ):

Oh yes, I sleep at my usual midnight hour but I’m terribly tired when I wake up.
It’s so bad that I end up sleeping in the train from Outram to Potong Pasir.
Usually I’d say that I’m resting my eyes but these days I end up falling asleep.
I can’t even be bothered if I could be unglam, I’m tiredddd.

Sigh, this kinda sucks.