(This post was supposed to be up by night time on 2nd March but I’ve been really tired and dozing off during my nights so that explains why this is late.)
2nd March was the release of the GCE ‘A’ Level Examination results. The night before felt quite crazy. There’s a lot of suspense. A lot of axiety. Fear. Uncertainty.
I’ll be honest, as much as I wished for good results that night, that feeling that I’ll end up having nowhere to go was haunting. And I guess I had that nervous breakdown. But I just told myself “better tonight than in school tomorrow.” I expected the worst possible scenario already. And it’s not silly. There is reason why I’d expect myself to not do well. Because throughout my two years, I only really just got serious about it all by June last year. Which wasn’t too late of course. And I just worked, and worked, and worked.
There will be the days of stress and shit and breakdowns and it all repeats. I don’t remember how I studied. I remember going to serene a lot. After some time I ended up in the library more often, freezing and shivering by the time it reaches 6 and I leave to be home by 7.
How did I do all that?
After that night’s episode, I still managed to sleep well enough because I was tired from work. Woke up the next morning actually feeling nothing, telling myself, after all whatever comes my way, I’ve to learn to accept it. So instead of making myself feeling all the crazy shit, just treat it as a normal day.
I guess I was just numbed. I didn’t want to talk about it. And I remember snapping at my brother when he asked if he could tell me the results he predicted for me. I went about doing other things that morning like going to trim my hair and getting dog food and contact lenses.
Even on the train ride to school, meeting Letisha at potong pasir, being late, made me feel nothing.
I was listening to the mixtape FY made for me on my birthday on repeat. It’s like one of the best things because it just, makes sense, you know? And I really like it. :’)
Stepped into the hall and it all just felt so messy. So many people. So many familiar yet foreign faces. So many bald heads. So many colours. It was nice seeing Chloe, Eunice and Letisha again. I didn’t feel anything then either.
The long talk in the beginning started and all the honour roll and all that. And I felt nothing. Instead I remembered last year when I was sitting at the back of the hall in my PE attire watching my seniors collect their results. And remember seeing Chinghwee and how he was so happy collecting his results when his name appeared on screen. I’m not a stalker hahahaha, it’s something I could not have ignored.
Anyway, so then I was still like clapping and feeling happy for those who did well. As well as a little shocked at who were some of them. And then just suddenly. It’s my turn to get up to walk to Mr P to get my results.
Thankfully it wasn’t like the result slip is the first thing I see because though I wasn’t exactly feeling anything, I didn’t feel ready for it. I took my stack of papers which the result slip was the last and walked away. I couldn’t get myself to look at it yet. Went to look for Sharlyn to collect my choir shirt from her. Then only then did I decide, damn I should just look at it and face it.
And then I don’t remember how I felt. I didn’t know if I did well. What’s good and what’s bad? I was stunned and probably feels like I was getting into shock. Okay I exaggerate. But I didn’t know how to feel really. Thankful, grateful, lucky, blessed, shocked-partial happy.
The worse part after that is not knowing what to say. Not knowing how to comfort those I wish I could. I had to check if I had the correct result slip. I did it again on the train. Hard work really does pay off, doesn’t it?
My two years was full of a lot of shit. Even had the quarrel with my dad close to my examinations. Had Chinghwee I constantly worry about then after his op. FY was always there as someone I can rant to and someone who always encouraged and made me believe in myself again if I lost it. My brother for talking more to me and I’d choose to believe he keeps my sanity in check. Well and at least then he made home a little less awful after the quarrel. I wish to say it wasn’t luck that got me my grades. And you know it just reminds me that nothing is impossible. Because I managed to go through all that shit and be proud to say I went through and survived that journey. Chinghwee was always around to scare me about my studies and make sure I studied. If not for him I probably wouldn’t have known how hard I had to study and how much. I wouldn’t have because my first one and a half years in college involved a lot of anyhow-do-lah.
In anycase, I’m just thankful. I haven’t had any kind of celebration but I guess I don’t need it. I’m just really, really, really thankful. I’m glad it all came to a good end. And I love those I mentioned that are always around to keep me going. :’)
