Will

I remember why I hated running when I entered jc. I hated hurting. But who likes to hurt anyway?

In the early jc year, I started getting dizzy spells after running. Because of that, I never dared to push myself harder because I felt that if I went slow, the dizzy spells won’t come after and I’ll feel less awful. But I guess I could have been wrong about that. I will get dizzy spells either way.

Then in my second year where I needed to push myself for napfa, I did. Still, the feeling of running and being out of breath sucks of course. But I did better and didn’t feel so bad about myself though I still needed some time to recover from the run.

I don’t know if it’s just me and whether my out-of-breath is similar to others. I hate how I can feel myself tighten and struggling to catch my breath. Yet because of that time that I pushed myself during napfa trainings, I began to believe that I could actually run, I was just being paranoid and afraid (for nothing or not, I don’t know). I remember pushing myself by telling myself that the run won’t kill me anyway. That was also what got me running during the time I was studying for As. Although it was just once a week. It was enough to keep me sane.

Today, my run was alright though I haven’t ran for some time. I made myself run because if I didn’t, I know I’ll start looking for excuses to avoid the run. I won’t say I hate running now. Neither will I say I’m totally unafraid. But something has changed. I do have a slight dread for running now, and I haven’t had that feeling for a long time. It’s not good because it makes me lazy. Strangely, after recovering from the run I still had fainting spells. Now that doesn’t seem right at all.

Oh and what a timely quote. When I published this it read “I do not like to write. I like to have written.” In my case, “I do not like to run. I like to have ran.” Hmmm.

 

With little to say.

Tomorrow’s the last day of the prelims and well, I guess it started well but isn’t ending very well.
I am taking it easy today because I just feel so.. tired.
Just partially tired of doing questions.
Mental exhaustion is still tolerable.

The days are eventually getting better.
Better compared to all the anxiety I had the previous week and I feel like I’m putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself. (I still am.)
Happens because I overthink certain things.
And well, more than half the time, I don’t feel like I’m doing good enough.
I don’t want to be a disappointment to anyone, especially myself.

And I guess even when times are tough, there comes a point where things just can’t get any worse.
That’s when things will eventually start to get better.
Hopefully it stays neutral at the very least for most of the times for now.
I can’t handle extremes very well.

 

Never fail to beat myself down.

So today started out on the down-side.
But I guess I gradually felt better as the day went by.
Still stuck with a slight flu though, and it’s really not a good time to be falling sick.

Insect bite from yesterday has made my eyelid swell pretty badly that it makes my skin fold weirdly when I open my eyes.
It’s starting to get uncomfortable because I’m able to feel the swell more obviously.
And it’s itching itching itching, sigh.
I feel like being a small kid so I can rant away and get away with it.
And I can say ‘I don’t know’ and get away with it.

I like observing small kids.
(Excuse me yes not in the perv way.)
Does the word ‘kids’ come with bad connotations?
But some children are really adorable.
And the looks they give and/or their behavior would make me smile.
(Exclude the very rowdy kids)
It’s just scary when children cry though.
But other than that, I guess their innocence is.. sorry-about-the-lack-of-vocabulary-i-can’t-find-an-appropriate-adjective.
Ah well.

I always wondered how I was like as a child.
Each time I ask my mom she tells me the same thing,
I used to cry a lot and I didn’t like being left alone.

Hmmm.
Does that explain how I am today?
Just that I eventually grew up to be quite comfortable on my own now.

It feels weird not going to the hospital today sigh.

 

The second thoughts

So, just when I felt like it, I visited my previous blogs.
Blogs where I rant just about everything and kept them hidden.
It’s scary seeing how I used to think.
How I used to feel.

It’s like re-visiting the past.
So many years have passed now.
How did I end up here?
Who was I back then, and who am I now?

Hmmmmmm.

 

Something funny in the weird way

Everytime after I have gone swimming,
I come home feeling like I’ve nothing to fear.

 

Once a fool, always a fool.

It’s past midweek, and I don’t feel so.
My weeks are dragged longer now that I have practices on Saturdays.
It doesn’t make me feel better knowing that from the Saturday after this coming Saturday, practices are full-day.

I’ve been sleeping with my hair wet (again) for the past three nights and that really, still, and always sucks.
Sigh.

Went to school with dread knowing we had to do charades on stage.
But felt better when more people were dragged into it hahaha.
And I guess it wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be.
They were awesome.

Had 2.4 time trial today too.
I took from Monday till before PE just now to prepare myself mentally.
It’ll be quite cool if I had a machine to check my brain activity while I was running, so many things were running through my head.
I wanted to really push myself so I psycho-ed myself.
Tuned out of the fear of others as they mentioned it.
Tried to visualise myself running well.
Told myself that it doesn’t matter if I die after the run I just have to run run run run run run.
The other times I ran, I tend to panic inside whenever my breathing became more rapid.
I’m always afraid of dropping and that limits me.
It’s because I have fainted before, I’ve always taken long to cool down from my run and if I haven’t I get those dizzy spells that make me feel like I’ll faint.
And that time I fainted, I was alone. I was afraid.

I feel proud of myself for how I ran today.
All that was in my head was,”For all the things I love, I have to run. I must never stop and not slow down. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.”
I hope I can continue like that.

Ended with service learning briefing at paya lebar.

Long days. Never-ending homework. Tired eyes. Aching body. Noise in the head. Worries. Thoughts. Hopes. Wishes. Doubts.
Hi everyone, you aren’t alone and will never be.
Keep going keep goinggggg!

 

You tossed it in the trash, you did.

Had long train rides this morning.
I like long bus rides better actually.
The only thing is I’ll get carbus sick.
But jia thought me how to rid the nauseous feeling! You just have to look out really far away.
It really makes you feel better.

Long rides got me thinking.
Sometimes I’m thinking about what type of a friend I am.
Or what type of a person.
I always felt that I don’t know myself.
And isn’t it weird that I’m always alright-with-anything?
Why do I keep keeping things to myself?
Why am I dishonest to myself?
I’m always so vague about everything, and that causes me to be vague to myself too.
I can’t see myself.
So, I want to start opening up more.
And yes, I shall not be so wishy-washy.
I shall know what I want.

I will find myself.

 

Protected: What if one day, I go insane? (Edit: I think it’s best to have this hidden)

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Don’t forget reality.

I don’t deny that I do online gaming.
To some, it means I have no life.
Some may also think that it’s pointless and meaningless.

However, that depends on how much time you spend on gaming, and what the game means to you.

I’ve been gaming since I was young, under the influence of my brother, I think.
I have played Gunbound, Wolfteam, Counter Strike, 02jam, Audition, Maple, Diablo, Trickster and maybe more.
Some I played for long term while others (e.g. Maple), I barely played for a week.
Long term would probably mean I stuck with the game for at least almost or more than a year.

What’s fun though, is not just the game itself.
It’s the people you meet.

In real, I feel like an anti-social.
I admit, I don’t know how to make friends.
Not unless I know of a common topic and we grew to know each other, if not, I just feel that it’s difficult to make conversation and I struggle.
I don’t like it because it’s really uncomfortable.
Here’s also where I grew to be comfortable on my own.

But yet on the net, I don’t feel that way.
It’s as if it’s easier to open up.
And I’ve met all kinds of people before, most of them, the really nice ones.
Most of them make you think.
While some just stay for awhile and leave, there are the ones that stay.

My online friends do mean something to me.
If I’m not wrong, most of them are older than me or around my age.
They have had so much more experiences in the working world, etc. So when I talk to them, it’s always enlightening.
I feel that I’m learning something new each time.
I like how that works.
With others, there are the happy conversations as well.
The one’s that make you laugh at your pixel screen.
The one’s that make your day.
These all mean something.

I don’t regret gaming, because I’ve met really wonderful people.

But I guess what I think I have grown to learn is, what’s online should more often than not, just remain online.
And I guess I’m keeping it as that.

 

Greatness is within.

These few days more or less on my own made me realise quite a few things.
I had the time to just Stop.

The time spent with old friends that day, made me see how they could enjoy school.
They talk about school with a smile.
They’ve got so much to talk about school.
What about me?

It’s time to be honest with myself.
I know I don’t like school.
I hate school.
But to some, when they get to know that, they think nothing of it.
Yes, initially, I thought nothing of it.
However as time went on, it became clearer and clearer to me.
I’m not fit for a college.
Isn’t it too late for this?
Sounds pathetic doesn’t it?
Some think I had a personal reason for being where I am today.
But I don’t.
I don’t have a reason for being where I am.
I just had no where to go.
No where to go, then.

After all these have been said, it does sound quite, discouraging.
But I’m going to fight against myself.
I’ll try.
And I’ll end this journey well.
I hope to prove myself wrong.

All these have to begin with a will.
Will I be up to it?

Just one more thing.
I love my family. I love my friends.
Because it’s quite overwhelming but I know, that I can never be here without them.

 

Priceless lunch.

Guess who I met today!

After about a whole year (Not counting Speech Day), we finally met up with each other!
We met an Ion Orchard.
Honestly, that place is nice, but not nice.
I think I’m one of the weirdest person, but I just try not to go to Orchard most of the time.
It’s an acl thing.
Okay so maybe that place is nicer than not nice.
But I don’t like seeing people I know when I’m out.
In the first one hour I was at Ion, I already saw 6 people I knew.
I have to apologize that I’m such a (I don’t know what, anti-social maybe).
To some others, it’s no big deal seeing someone you know out, and it might be one of the loveliest things.
But to me, I just, don’t quite like it.
Unless it’s someone I’m comfortable with.
That’d make my day.

But alright, that’s besides the point!

Had lunch together with Claire, Evelyn and Shirlene.
You know how people say its difficult to forget how others make you feel?
While having lunch, it was like going back in the years where we would go for breaks together.
It reminded me of the times we’ve spent together, be it laughing, being there for one another or anything else.
Maybe what I meant was it was like going back in the years where you know, they were just there, behind me where I sat in class.
Mmm.
So we talked talked talked about what has been happening in our different schools.
Of course, gossiping too, hahah, and ranted about the unhappy times.

It felt like we were walking different paths, like we’re all growing old, deciding what we want to do in future.
Don’t you find it scary as the years past?
Time is merciless.
Sigh.

We left the restaurant after a long long while and went to walk around.
The day ended early when Claire left because she still had something on.

I hope we get to meet again soon!
(MARINA BARRAGE TO FLY KITE!)
Only after I meet the people I miss, do I realise how much I missed them.
Ah, all the awesome people.
I had a great time today!

 

The intriguing dreams

[Edited - 'Continue reading']

There is this one thing that bothers me.

Are we awake when we’re having our dreams?
(Though the answer may seem obvious because we dream when we’re sleeping.)
So maybe I meant, are our minds awake and rational in our dreams?

Some days, the dreams get really bad.
I believe everyone gets them.
Some more often, some not so often.
The scary dreams, suffocating ones, the ones you’re trying so hard to stop something bad from happening be it running away or what not.
I’m pretty glad that I don’t have repeated dreams anymore.
But the ones of trouble still happen- Nightmares.

The thing is, when it gets so bad and I just feel like I can’t get away no matter how hard I try, I actually stop.
Yes, when I’m all scared and panicking, I actually stop.
It has happened a few times and I remember telling myself, “This is a dream. Wake up. Come on, it’s a dream, WAKE UP!”
Then I’ll open my eyes and wake up in relief.

So am I awake in my dreams?
Because that freaks me out to some extent.

 

Not fated with you.

I don’t like it when things don’t go my way when it felt that it just could.
(Not as if there’s someone to stop me. Just, Murphy.)
Just this really, awful, disappointment.
Maybe it’s more than just an awful disappointment since so many other feelings come along.
And when I feel all this crap, I’ll resort to baking.
Hmmm.

And there’s one more thing.
Normally, I like to plan my days.
But when things go wrong, my whole day crumbles.
So silly right.
So acl.